RAD is kicking my butt today

I am feeling tired and overwhelmed at this moment.

I am tired of being a parole officer to my children.

I am tired of enforcing the rules.

I am tired of answering the same question for the tenth time in one day, not to mention in the last week.

I am tired of ungrateful hearts.

I am tired of being blamed when my child pays a consequence for her own choices.

I am tired of saying the same thing.........AGAIN.

I am tired of being the bad guy.

I am tired of feeling frustrated and tired.

I am tired of having zero freedom.

I am tired of being judged by other parents who have never experienced Reactive Attachment Disorder.

I am tired of feeling guilty that I seem unable to help my children.

I am tired of second guessing myself, my husband or my children.

I am tired.

I don't think I"ll ever understand

I don't think I"ll ever understand why my daughter refuses at times to actually think about her schoolwork.  She would rather spend hours, yes....hours, literally, staring at the screen rather than think about a simple question.  They aren't difficult questions.  And I am frustrated.

So much so that I can't even think creatively.  She's such a smart young lady and when she's in the right frame of mind, these questions wouldn't slow her down one bit.  But something has flipped 'the switch' and that means she gets nowhere.  I think it's the kind of switch where she didn't get her way and she's mad.  The rebellion comes out this way.  It's something she feels she can control.  But then, that will bite her in the butt later on so I try to coax her out of it gently.  When that doesn't work, I get a little louder.  Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't.  There's never been any rhyme or reason to it.

I pray.  I hate Reactive Attachment Disorder and how disabling it is.

Here is a new layout from my WITL project. I'm slow, but we're getting there.  2 days down.  5 to go. Yep, it's pink.  I don't normally do pink, but here we are.  It seems right for this photo.

The difference between respect and fear

Last night, I had a long conversation with my youngest daughter, Madison, who is a RAD sufferer.  These kinds of talks are difficult because her reasoning is very different from my own and from most other peoples.

Recently, she's been talking alot about the way gang members relate to one another.  Of course, my ears have perked up but I'm careful how I will engage in such a conversation.  However, last night, she laid it all out on the table for me.   She shared that her goal in relating to any other person is to get them to fear her.  To her, this means respect.

When someone doesn't fear her, they don't respect her.  She feels disrespected if someone feels equal to her.  She constantly feels the need to prove that she is stronger than everyone around her.  She is 5'2.  I am 5'7, her older sister is 5'10, her dad is 6'2.  This is a big, no pun intended, problem for her.  Since I've known her, when she was 7 and about 4 ft tall, she has tried to prove that she is bigger and stronger than me.  And her dad (who is the strongest guy I know, being a weight-lifter for 20 years now).

I tried to help her understand that fear and respect are two different things.  She is not interested in hearing my explanation.  Whatever I say, she says something to counter.  Doesn't seem to matter that it makes no actual sense. She won't back down.  I finally just had to end the conversation, which made me sad.  I wanted to connect with her.  We had been connecting I think, that is why she brought up the fear thing.  It made her uncomfortable and she needed to put some distance there again.

Pray that I will still be able to connect with her and show her love in a way that she can receive it. It is hard to show her love in a way she understands because she only seems able to accept it when it comes from someone who shows her that they are weaker than she is.

Oops!

See this, this is my dog Bean.  He's cute, he's cuddly and he loves me and everyone else in my house.  He loves us just the way we are.  And we love him too, even though he farts almost as often as I breath.  We still love him.  Why, cause he's just so loveable I guess, or maybe because we don't assume that he has any alterior motives or plans to harm us in any way. 

I, on the other hand have not been so loveable today.  I kinda blew it this morning with my kids.  Oh yes, you can be sure that they DID do something that was not appropriate, but I handled it really badly.

I just got done reading about shame on Christine's blog.  I had asked her a question and as always, she came through with some really helpful material.  However, she did remind me that I'd be likely to forget it all rather quickly and need to go back to it. (she's clairvoyant too I guess.)  She was totally and completely right.

I'm pretty confident that I poured a dirty, stinking bucket of shame sludge all over my poor children this morning.  I will be making this right later when I have the opportunity, but I sure do wish I hadn't done it this morning.  I sure wish I had reacted rightly to the situation.

Honestly, I'm not even sure I know what rightly would have been and therein lies the rub.  I get frustrated because something happens that makes me feel completely out of control and then I just lose it all together.  What SHOULD I have done?

My kids had been sneaking poptarts and when the child who hadn't had any went to get one, there were none left.  So I ask my children how this happened, but of course no one knows.  They lie and tell me it was the other child.  I get very angry.  I hate being lied to.  I hate that they won't just ask permission for such delicacies as pop tarts in the first place.  I tell them, fine, I won't be buying any more pop tarts since no one can be trusted to be honest with pop tarts in the house.  I make them feel that they've ruined it for everyone, which they have, but I could have handled it so much better.  At least I think I could have.

On my drive home from dropping them at school, I try to figure out why I flipped my lid on this little thing.  The only thing I can come up with is that it is a situation that makes me feel completely out of control and I DO NOT like that feeling at all.  I have 4 teenagers.  3 of them constantly sneak around behind my back. The other one keeps her nose pretty clean, though the others like to make allusions to the fact that even that is all an illusion.  (I try not to think much about that as if it is an illusion then she is REALLY good at and I just don't think I'm going to catch it.)  The grim reality is that with 3 sneaky teens, I AM out of control. There is not much I can do about what they do when I'm not standing over them watching their every move.

I'm gonna have to deal with this.  I'm gonna have to pray the Serenity prayer.  I'm gonna have to believe that it is OK to not be in control.  I'm gonna have to let go.

Pray for me.

A New Endeavor

I'm contemplating getting started on a new project.  A scrapbook for the year.  I've used Ali Edwards post about her Project Life as a starting point.  I'm not sure how good I'll be at this as finishing projects is not something I'm good at.  But I'm glad to be at least trying.  I can tell already that it'll effect the way I take photos and what the subjects might be.  I have noticed a particular lack in my photography of the people in my family doing ordinary things.  I'm always photographing them in a pose, albeit a 'candid' pose, but usually posed.  I have trouble seeing the creative side of daily activities.  I think I want to challenge myself to see those things more readily.

On a more RADical note, I was amused to experience a new version of her funky reading habits.  Tonight, she was reading to me when she did her funny little "I can't read" tricks.  But this one was a bit new.  She was reading along when she inserted a different word than the one printed on the page. (this is quite a common occurance and has nothing to with her reading ability and everything to do with her attempting to control the situation in some way.)  For this particular word, I asked her to look again. While still looking at me, she corrected the word. 

In case the significance of this escapes you, she made it quite clear that her 'mistake' had been quite purposeful and that she knew exactly what the word was which she had been supposed to read. 

Not long afterward, we went over the questions for the chapters she was reading.  Again, she tried to pull a fast one, asking me the meaning of the word 'remorse'.  It was precisely the word that would answer the question she had been asked.  I was quite astounded at her brilliance.

Good thing I'm a strong mom and can recognize her games before she gets the better of me.  She really did put up a fight this afternoon.  But Strong Mom came to the rescue and saved the day.  Little Maddie didn't end up with the burden of controlling her situation on her shoulders.  I handled it for her!!!

Perhaps that will be a page in my Project Life!  Here are a few pics I took of my girl doing some thinking in the corner.  I have been revisiting some of the useful little tricks that I had been tempted to abandon.  Strong sitting and corner time really do make a positive difference.

I'm On to Something Here!!!

I know, it's twice in one day again, but I can hardly contain myself.  I had an amazing revelation today.  Now, to those of you who have been long time RAD moms, you will wonder how it took me so long.  But for those of you who aren't, well you likely won't understand at all.  That's okay.  I have figured something out and I am happy about that.

Today, as I was spending time with my dear MIL, we discussed my daughter Maddie's poor performance in school.  It's been a frustration for quite a while now.  I have tried about everything I could think of, but to no avail. It has made me angry to watch such a bright mind be wasted because of nothing but rebellion. 

Poor Madison has made it her life's mission to tank in school since about six months after moving in with us.  There hase been no real progress at all in this area.  Today, I finally realized that Maddie quit doing well in school at the exact time that she began trying with all her might to push Jeremy and I away.  Before that, we'd honeymoon quite a bit.  She had tried to con us into thinking she was a sweet little angel and in some respects we bought it.  Unfortunately for her, we began to catch on.

At that point, she went from an A/B student to a C/D/F student, almost over night.  From there, we've gotten nowhere with education.  I've known all along that education is not the point, but I had blinders on and somehow couldn't let it go.  Madison, being the smart cookie that she is, realized this and has used this quite effectively to push us completely away(and triangulate with us and the teachers).

Today, I realized that my goal must be to allow her to fail if that is what she needs to do while I lavishly love her, parent her with wisdom and appropriate consequences and use her actions to help her see inside her heart.  I'm onto SOMETHING BIG!!!

I'm melting!!!!

Well, not me, but my poor Maddie is showing every sign of a major melt-down.  I can't figure out if it's because of something she is experiencing which I'm unaware of, or because I've stepped up my attachment efforts recently.  Either way, I thought I'd document the signs so that I can look back and recall just how it happened.

She's taken a real downhill slide with her education recently.  I mean in the tank kind of downhill.  The result, she has convinced herself that there is no way to ever get out of the hole she's dug for herself (especially when you ignore the helping hands offered by any would be rescuers.).  Therefore, there is no use trying so the hole becomes deeper and deeper.  It's rather a circular problem and everyone else is to blame but her.

So here are some of the signs I've seen which I really haven't seen for quite a long time until now.

Lots and LOTS of cracking of the knuckles. (this is a sure sign of an angry girl)
Lots and lots of strange faces and wierd mouth girations.
Nonsense answers to simple questions.
Last nights prayer time suddenly was cut by about 75% of the normal time spent in prayer.  (this was an overnight slide, she'd been really into prayer for some time now but last night was about two sentences with no feeling in any of the words. Not normal for her at all)
This morning, she was freaking out about how I would effectively be able to get her to her orthodontist appointment and still take everyone to school. (like that has ever been a problem before)
She is going back to asking me what I think she should wear and then promptly wearing the opposite.  (haven't seen this in several years.  I had just gotten to the point of actually making suggestions since she'd shown that she really wanted them)
Constant chatter when there is no other noise or distraction, usually about nonsense.
Woe is me kind of talk.  Lots of this.

I calmly told her this morning that dad and I could see that something was really bothering her and that we'd like to help her process that and figure out what the root of it was.  I let her know that we are going to be making sure that she has lots of opportunity to sit quietly and calmly to think about what is bothering her and when she's ready, we'll work it out together.

Recently, I've been working on snuggling with her, reminding her more often how much I love her and giving lots of loving eye contact and hugs and such.  I think it's getting to her, poor thing.  I should beware, she'll be trying to hurt me specifically any time now, but I have Christine on my side and can find new ways to deal.  Thanks again Christine.  And thank you Jesus, you're the one that knew the end of this from the beginning and gave us all the strength to get through it with power!!!

Living each day

I just got done reading another RAD post. I've had a bit of a renewal in the department of looking head on at what I'm dealing with in my kiddos. I think I've grown numb in some respects. Tired, at least. But when I read what Christine has to say, I can't ignore it.

I am the woman in the title sometimes. I know, the language is not clean, but the description is accurate. That's not the woman I want to be, or the mom I want to be, or the wife I want to be. I find myself running out of ways to cope. And then I'm reminded that not only do I need to cope, I need to be proactive and help my kids heal. I'm reminded that counseling just isn't an option for our family.

I'm reminded that while I agree with a lot of the opinions on RAD and how to treat it, I don't agree with them all and that leaves me trying to figure it out on my own. Well, not exactly on my own, with God's guidence of course. Still, it is easy to doubt.

This morning, my 15 year old son didn't know what time school starts. He goes there EVERY SINGLE DAY!!! But he doesn't know when school starts, or when classes start, or when they end. At least he won't admit it.

While I told him that he wouldn't be able to call his girlfriend until his homework is done, he acts surprised when the phone rings and he asks for time to talk with her and I say "Is your homework done?" The face below is the face I get most often when I pull out the camera. He's bent on being 'Emo' and smiling would destroy his image, poor guy.

Sometimes, I just don't know what to do. I write this and I think most folks reading it would say, 'oh, that's just kids' but I know better. I live with him and I know it's not normal to be the way he is. He may look normal and do some things that look normal, but the stuff on the inside is not. The inability to trust anyone is not normal and healthy. The constant search for a way of escape in a new environment is not typical and healthy.

So today, I don't feel so strong.  Hopefully, tomorrow I will get stronger and do better and do the mothering and theraputic parenting that I need to do.

What really gets me going?

Christine reminded me again that I need to figure out what are the things that really get me going. Then I need to explore further and that will help me to regulate myself when I'm off the charts angry at something one of my kids has done. (it's somehow always what my RADishes do that makes me feel this way, even though all of my family can cause me frustration)

I must admit that I'm a little nervous about doing this. I think that's because many times, when I'm that upset at them, I KNOW that the reason for it is really not justified.

This morning, I was simmering as soon as I got up. I knew today would be a hard day because I can feel the depression kicking back in and getting on my case. (I am thankful that Prozac, the drug that I use for depression, can be taken as needed rather than having to ease into it)

So it didn't take long before my kids had done something, which really shouldn't have been that big a deal, but which sent me spinning off track. Here is what I have noticed. When they do something selfish, which affects me by depriving me of something I feel I deserve, I go balistic. Interestingly, when the others in my family do a similar thing, I don't go balistic. I think it is because I know that my other family never does those things just to spite me, but I always suspect that my RADishes do these things to spite me. Whether they have or not, I wonder.

I think it goes back to the fact that I know they don't love me. They have grown to the point of appreciating that I provide for their needs I think, but they don't love ME. I believe it takes me back to my childhood and the times I was picked on so that someone else could have fun. At that time in my life, I had no control over what people did to hurt me, now, I can remove myself from most situations where people would choose to hurt me. Except for this one. I have two children who would and have chosen to be hurtful, and felt completely justified in doing so. I wonder if I'll ever really forgive them for that???

Well, I'll stop there for now. I pray that I can work my way through all of this mud and yuck and one day become a kind and loving parent. I don't feel like I can claim that name just yet. I'm too selfish myself.

Useful Conversation

Well, I think Maddie and I had one of those.  I've been reading the blog of an amazing woman, Christine over at Welcome to My Brain.  She is truly an amazing parent.  She's got RAD kiddos too, but she's much better at parenting them than I am.

But, I can learn.  She shared some about her daughter's need to win all the time and I certainly could relate to that as my Maddie is the same way.  The way it most clearly comes out recently is in school.  If she can't be the best in her class at something, she decides that it is not worth her time. So she doesn't do it. 

That's been what's happening around her and the report card is showing it.  There are a few classes where she rocks because she's really good at those things.  The other things, though she can do them well enough, she's not the best and so she just lets it slide and doesn't care if she fails those classes.  My challenge now, is to determine how to show her that she can be on top with those other classes.  That she can win something and it will be good for her.

Pray for me, I need some wisdom from above on this one.  I know that her education is not the most important thing in the world, but if she continues to fail, it will certainly effect her ability to do well in life and that will just result in the downhill spiral that she seems to be aspiring to and that her birth mom existed within.

I am really hoping to find a way to motivate her and show her that she CAN!!!

Am I?

Today is one of the days on which I wonder, "Does Christ live in me? Really?"

I hate days like this. It means that this is the kind of day where I'd rather stick a fork in my eye than experience the particular emotions that are assailing me at this moment in time.

My life verse has been, for about 6 or 7 years now, Philippians 3:10-11 which says, "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead"

I do want that, but when I am experiencing what is necessary to actually have that, I really struggle with it.

If I'm honest, I'd have to say that having 2 RAD kids and 1 who might also be, along with my own bio daughter has been the thing that has affected me most. More than bible studies and church services and after-glow. I've been affected by the fact that my life is made difficult by parenting and, in light of what I study, I can't just react. I have to change, grow, be compassionate and die to myself. I suck at that.

Am I really a follower of Christ? Am I?