Discovery

I haven't slept all night.  I'm not sure quite why, but I've been reading The Eden Diet and my guess is that it's triggering 'stuff'.

So all night, literally, until now when it's 4:30 AM here, I've been tossing and turning and trying with no success to sleep.

I've been processing, or at least trying to determine what the trigger point is.  I couldn't say what about the things I read brought this to the forefront but I did have a revelation just now.

I'm a little nervous to share it, but perhaps it will resonate with someone.  I just came upon the thought that I have a tendency of late to want to be left alone.  This isn't possible as I have children who are home 24/7 who need me.  Still, the feeling lingers.  And I find myself resenting it fairly often.  I believe I just hit upon the reason why this is bothering me.  I came to the realization that since I was a very small child, someone has always wanted to take something from me.  Someone has always wanted something of me.  Early on, it was something they had no right or proper excuse to take and that set the tone for me not wanting to give of myself.

I believe I learned then that when someone wants something from you it's a violation.  This isn't generally true, but for that little girl that I was, it is true.  And so I've lived reacting to that my whole life.  Now, when someone wants something from me and I'm not sure how to give it, I tense up. I become resentful and sullen and angry.  But I don't usually even recognize it at the time, other than that I want to be left alone.

An interesting twist is that I DO want to give of myself to help people, but often, when I get to the point of really helping, I'm tempted to pull back.  I don't always, but the temptation is almost always there.  It's a vulnerable place I believe.

I'm not sure what I will do with this information, but I'm sure it will be helpful in the near future as I travel this path I am now on.  I am sure that God gave me that revelation for one of His perfect purposes.

There is a lot to do

As a victim of abuse, a variety of types, I've got stuff to do.  I've got work to heal those wounded places.  I admit I'm  not very consistent at doing that work.  It's hard, painful, exhausting and I feel like I need a vacation for about a week afterward.  But sometimes everything comes to the surface and I can't run a way any more.

Today was one of those days.  But God is faithful and provided the women I needed to help me through a session of intense prayer.  LOL, I'm recovering from my healing prayer now.

Ever have one of those days?   The crying is cleansing and good, but something I very much try to avoid.  It seems it would be so much easier to just avoid it, but that's not a real option.  That just keeps the infection growing when what I need is to lance it. 

Keep praying for me if you would.  I appreciate it.  I'm a needy, broken women.  The cool thing is that just as the seed is needy and broken and must die in order to be reborn in beauty, I am in that same place.  Jesus is planting me and I plan on being a beautiful red poppy shining in His garden.

I'm On to Something Here!!!

I know, it's twice in one day again, but I can hardly contain myself.  I had an amazing revelation today.  Now, to those of you who have been long time RAD moms, you will wonder how it took me so long.  But for those of you who aren't, well you likely won't understand at all.  That's okay.  I have figured something out and I am happy about that.

Today, as I was spending time with my dear MIL, we discussed my daughter Maddie's poor performance in school.  It's been a frustration for quite a while now.  I have tried about everything I could think of, but to no avail. It has made me angry to watch such a bright mind be wasted because of nothing but rebellion. 

Poor Madison has made it her life's mission to tank in school since about six months after moving in with us.  There hase been no real progress at all in this area.  Today, I finally realized that Maddie quit doing well in school at the exact time that she began trying with all her might to push Jeremy and I away.  Before that, we'd honeymoon quite a bit.  She had tried to con us into thinking she was a sweet little angel and in some respects we bought it.  Unfortunately for her, we began to catch on.

At that point, she went from an A/B student to a C/D/F student, almost over night.  From there, we've gotten nowhere with education.  I've known all along that education is not the point, but I had blinders on and somehow couldn't let it go.  Madison, being the smart cookie that she is, realized this and has used this quite effectively to push us completely away(and triangulate with us and the teachers).

Today, I realized that my goal must be to allow her to fail if that is what she needs to do while I lavishly love her, parent her with wisdom and appropriate consequences and use her actions to help her see inside her heart.  I'm onto SOMETHING BIG!!!

What really gets me going?

Christine reminded me again that I need to figure out what are the things that really get me going. Then I need to explore further and that will help me to regulate myself when I'm off the charts angry at something one of my kids has done. (it's somehow always what my RADishes do that makes me feel this way, even though all of my family can cause me frustration)

I must admit that I'm a little nervous about doing this. I think that's because many times, when I'm that upset at them, I KNOW that the reason for it is really not justified.

This morning, I was simmering as soon as I got up. I knew today would be a hard day because I can feel the depression kicking back in and getting on my case. (I am thankful that Prozac, the drug that I use for depression, can be taken as needed rather than having to ease into it)

So it didn't take long before my kids had done something, which really shouldn't have been that big a deal, but which sent me spinning off track. Here is what I have noticed. When they do something selfish, which affects me by depriving me of something I feel I deserve, I go balistic. Interestingly, when the others in my family do a similar thing, I don't go balistic. I think it is because I know that my other family never does those things just to spite me, but I always suspect that my RADishes do these things to spite me. Whether they have or not, I wonder.

I think it goes back to the fact that I know they don't love me. They have grown to the point of appreciating that I provide for their needs I think, but they don't love ME. I believe it takes me back to my childhood and the times I was picked on so that someone else could have fun. At that time in my life, I had no control over what people did to hurt me, now, I can remove myself from most situations where people would choose to hurt me. Except for this one. I have two children who would and have chosen to be hurtful, and felt completely justified in doing so. I wonder if I'll ever really forgive them for that???

Well, I'll stop there for now. I pray that I can work my way through all of this mud and yuck and one day become a kind and loving parent. I don't feel like I can claim that name just yet. I'm too selfish myself.