What really gets me going?

Christine reminded me again that I need to figure out what are the things that really get me going. Then I need to explore further and that will help me to regulate myself when I'm off the charts angry at something one of my kids has done. (it's somehow always what my RADishes do that makes me feel this way, even though all of my family can cause me frustration)

I must admit that I'm a little nervous about doing this. I think that's because many times, when I'm that upset at them, I KNOW that the reason for it is really not justified.

This morning, I was simmering as soon as I got up. I knew today would be a hard day because I can feel the depression kicking back in and getting on my case. (I am thankful that Prozac, the drug that I use for depression, can be taken as needed rather than having to ease into it)

So it didn't take long before my kids had done something, which really shouldn't have been that big a deal, but which sent me spinning off track. Here is what I have noticed. When they do something selfish, which affects me by depriving me of something I feel I deserve, I go balistic. Interestingly, when the others in my family do a similar thing, I don't go balistic. I think it is because I know that my other family never does those things just to spite me, but I always suspect that my RADishes do these things to spite me. Whether they have or not, I wonder.

I think it goes back to the fact that I know they don't love me. They have grown to the point of appreciating that I provide for their needs I think, but they don't love ME. I believe it takes me back to my childhood and the times I was picked on so that someone else could have fun. At that time in my life, I had no control over what people did to hurt me, now, I can remove myself from most situations where people would choose to hurt me. Except for this one. I have two children who would and have chosen to be hurtful, and felt completely justified in doing so. I wonder if I'll ever really forgive them for that???

Well, I'll stop there for now. I pray that I can work my way through all of this mud and yuck and one day become a kind and loving parent. I don't feel like I can claim that name just yet. I'm too selfish myself.