I don't think I"ll ever understand

I don't think I"ll ever understand why my daughter refuses at times to actually think about her schoolwork.  She would rather spend hours, yes....hours, literally, staring at the screen rather than think about a simple question.  They aren't difficult questions.  And I am frustrated.

So much so that I can't even think creatively.  She's such a smart young lady and when she's in the right frame of mind, these questions wouldn't slow her down one bit.  But something has flipped 'the switch' and that means she gets nowhere.  I think it's the kind of switch where she didn't get her way and she's mad.  The rebellion comes out this way.  It's something she feels she can control.  But then, that will bite her in the butt later on so I try to coax her out of it gently.  When that doesn't work, I get a little louder.  Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't.  There's never been any rhyme or reason to it.

I pray.  I hate Reactive Attachment Disorder and how disabling it is.

Here is a new layout from my WITL project. I'm slow, but we're getting there.  2 days down.  5 to go. Yep, it's pink.  I don't normally do pink, but here we are.  It seems right for this photo.

Day 6, a little emotional struggle

Hello friends and ME.  Yesterday went pretty well.  I went to Phoenix shopping with a friend and ended up having all my meals out.  Normally, that is a big problem, but I feel like I was able to overcome it.  I didn't eat my whole meal.  Usually eating about half. 

My friend brought along snacks, lots of snacks, but with the exception of 5 or 6 cashews, I let them pass me by.  I am proud of myself for making it through that day without any major difficulties.

Today has felt a little emotional.  I'm not sure that I can identify why exactly. I guess I need to look into that through prayer.  I think one thing that is bothering me is that my husband is teaching my children how to ride a dirtbike. With Kaitlin, I'm not so concerned but Madison and especially Hunter are ridiculous dare devils and I'm pretty confident that when he lets them ride on their own, which is the only way for them to ride since we only have one dirt bike, they will commence trying stunts to outdo whoever is around to see. 

They will be irresponsible and they will be hurt, who knows how bad.  I'm not against motorcycle riding, clearly, since Jeremy has been riding as long as I've known him.  But the irresponsibility of my children does concern me and I admit I'm angry that he would teach them to do something that they don't have the judgement for.  Not only that, but when they get hurt, it will be me who is expected to care for them.  That sounds selfish and perhaps it is, but I will have a hard time feeling sorry for someone who chose to engage in an activity that is dangerous in an irresponsible manner.    OH, nevermind about that.

Tomorrow, my friend Sharon arrives from Texas. It is often tempting to overeat when company comes so I will have a little bit of a challenge,but I shall overcome!!!

I only post when there's drama

Well, at least some of the time that is true.  When I haven't been posting and I begin again to post, it's usually because of drama of some sort.

Today, you guessed it, there is drama.  I won't give you the details or even the particular situation, but suffice it to say that the end result is drama.

My emotions feel like part of a big drama.  Life feels like a big drama.  And I am really tired of drama.

I just don't feel like I can handle any more DRAMA!!!!

I would like to live in a nice suburban neighborhood, with a nice suburban imaginary
life where everything  is happy and everyone is happy and flowers bloom nonstop and there are no allergies.

I believe that is impossible, so for now.  I hope I am given some new level of patience and grace to endure the drama.

Oops!

See this, this is my dog Bean.  He's cute, he's cuddly and he loves me and everyone else in my house.  He loves us just the way we are.  And we love him too, even though he farts almost as often as I breath.  We still love him.  Why, cause he's just so loveable I guess, or maybe because we don't assume that he has any alterior motives or plans to harm us in any way. 

I, on the other hand have not been so loveable today.  I kinda blew it this morning with my kids.  Oh yes, you can be sure that they DID do something that was not appropriate, but I handled it really badly.

I just got done reading about shame on Christine's blog.  I had asked her a question and as always, she came through with some really helpful material.  However, she did remind me that I'd be likely to forget it all rather quickly and need to go back to it. (she's clairvoyant too I guess.)  She was totally and completely right.

I'm pretty confident that I poured a dirty, stinking bucket of shame sludge all over my poor children this morning.  I will be making this right later when I have the opportunity, but I sure do wish I hadn't done it this morning.  I sure wish I had reacted rightly to the situation.

Honestly, I'm not even sure I know what rightly would have been and therein lies the rub.  I get frustrated because something happens that makes me feel completely out of control and then I just lose it all together.  What SHOULD I have done?

My kids had been sneaking poptarts and when the child who hadn't had any went to get one, there were none left.  So I ask my children how this happened, but of course no one knows.  They lie and tell me it was the other child.  I get very angry.  I hate being lied to.  I hate that they won't just ask permission for such delicacies as pop tarts in the first place.  I tell them, fine, I won't be buying any more pop tarts since no one can be trusted to be honest with pop tarts in the house.  I make them feel that they've ruined it for everyone, which they have, but I could have handled it so much better.  At least I think I could have.

On my drive home from dropping them at school, I try to figure out why I flipped my lid on this little thing.  The only thing I can come up with is that it is a situation that makes me feel completely out of control and I DO NOT like that feeling at all.  I have 4 teenagers.  3 of them constantly sneak around behind my back. The other one keeps her nose pretty clean, though the others like to make allusions to the fact that even that is all an illusion.  (I try not to think much about that as if it is an illusion then she is REALLY good at and I just don't think I'm going to catch it.)  The grim reality is that with 3 sneaky teens, I AM out of control. There is not much I can do about what they do when I'm not standing over them watching their every move.

I'm gonna have to deal with this.  I'm gonna have to pray the Serenity prayer.  I'm gonna have to believe that it is OK to not be in control.  I'm gonna have to let go.

Pray for me.