Hello Again

It's been over two years since I last sat down to write a post. I am somewhat flabbergasted at that fact.

"What in the world happened?" you may ask.  The answer is neither simple, nor do I even have one precisely.  You see, I'm in process, like many of you would admit to being.

In the last 3 or 4 months, I've actually been wrestling with the Dragon many of us know as depression.  It's not unfamliar battle ground for me, I've been here before, more times than I can remember at this point in my life.  But it is different now, mainly because I am not afraid of it any longer.  Today, I know how to name it and I know how to fight it and most importantly, I know I'll get through it.

I'd like to bring you up to date on what has happened, but in 2 years, a LOT can happen and I think we might be here for a bit too long if I try to do that.  One thing I can tell you, I've been mucking through the weeds a bit.

(these are the weeds currently in my front yard)

Weeds are interesting because they can look like a whole lot of nothing, but when the springtime comes, if the conditions are right, they will burst into glorious blooms.  I'm hoping that come Spring, I can show you another photo that demonstrates this in my case!

The other thing I've been up to is clearing out some cobwebs.  Cobwebs are interesting and annoying.  Graphically speaking, they can be beautiful, again, under the right conditions.  If they are doused with droplets of water and the light is shining through they can create unparallelled beauty.  But generally, they are just cobwebs and that means sticky, messy and......well.....lets face it, bugs and spiders.  They end up making it difficult to see what is beyond them, causing a sort of clouded vision.  And when they are doing what they are meant to do, they catch bugs and house spiders and I don't want either of those really.

(Yeah, here are a few spider webs, these live in the Aloe and I can never seem to get rid of them. As soon as I remove them, they are right back the next day, detracting from the beauty.)

I've got work to do.  As I was praying today, I realized that Jesus has been asking me for a while to write and I've been making quite a few excuses not to do that.  I've been avoiding it, plain and simple.  I've distracted myself with pretty fragrances and ministry and people.  All of those are good, but this is something I need to spend some time doing.  

It will be hard.

Here's my yard, from a bit more of a distance.  It's a little overgrown and rather messy. I'm not a fantastic gardener by any stretch of the imagination.  But what would happen if I spent just a little time daily tending it with attention to detail?  Something good might grow I think.

I'm going to work on tending the garden of my heart also by cutting out some weeds and pulling out the cobwebs.  I've got more story to tell that I've left unspoken.  Those parts are ones which I've shied away from telling, fearing judgement or maybe just the pain of the reality.  But I believe it's what I am supposed to do. Part of me has felt like this is a waste of time, work of little value.  But I think that is a lie and it is something I need to do for me and also for others.  

So, if any of you are still around, I'd sure love a bit of encouragement if you have it to give.  If not, that's ok too.  Some things will likely change in terms of appearance.  I'll be experimenting.  We'll see where this leads.  I hope to see you around.

Hard to Comprehend it all

Today, I'm feeling introspective.  LOL, that's not soooo very different from a lot of other days. Still, at this moment it feels especially strong.

I was reading the O magazine, which I happened to pick up a copy of LAST Spring.  (Yes, I'm behind on my reading.)  Anyway, as I read through some of the articles, I was struck once again by the difficulties of life.

I know that for myself, I am sometimes overwhelmed by what feels like unmanageable parts of life which I must face.  There are times when I feel helpless and hopeless, other times when I feel full of joy and profound hope for the future and everything in between.

I thought about the desire to write that many authors have.  I wondered how they stick to one story for a period that sometimes extends from many months on into years. However, I wonder if the best novels come from such a long period of time as an author lives out his/her story while getting it down on paper.

Then, I considered whether a short story might not be a good thing to invest time in.  It might amount to some time reflect and understand particular situations.  On the other hand, would it be any good.  There is pressure that one feels to produce only something that is considered valuable.

In the end, I am struck by the need to let all of those expectations go and do what one is inspired to do at the time, providing that it is not wrong to do it. 

I'm rambling, I know, but my stream of consciousness dictates that I needn't worry what a reader might think after reading this bit of conjecture.  I simply put it down and perhaps something better will grow out of it.

Ultimately, I am struck by the amount of pain that exists in the world and from which most people come.  Pain seems to be the one characteristic that defines every single one of us. I would be highly suspicious of someone who denied the experience of deep emotional pain.  And then I would feel pity for them because I know that it is such emotion that gives us perspective and vision for something better.

OK, done rambling.  Feel free to ramble yourself a bit, either on your own blog or in the comments. I think you might find it rather satisfying.