A New Day

I can't count how many times my intentions have been to lose weight.  I've only ever been truly successful once in my life.  But my entire adult life has been a battle.  Well, more of a defeat I suppose.

But I feel that this is the time for me, once again.  I feel a new commitment.  I feel that I mean it.  I remember the first time, I knew I meant it.  I believe I mean it this time.  I say that with this thing inside me that sort of cringes and says "ooooohhh, I sure hope so!"

I think many of us know our shortcomings.  Mine is certainly a small will power.  At least for certain things.  I've done a lot of difficult things in my life, but fighting addiction is one of the hardest. 

Most of us don't think of eating as an addictive behavior, but it is.  I know it and I'm trying to face it now.  I don't have a picture yet, but I will.  I will take some today and I will put them in my journal, and maybe post them here.  I don't have a scale, but perhaps I should buy one so I can track my progress.  It's either depressing or encouraging when you have a scale, LOL.

I started yesterday and it went pretty well, except that in the evening, I really wanted to eat, but I wasn't hungry. It was head hunger, not stomach hunger.  I am going to become stronger than my own deceitful mind.

Me, unedited

Since I'm working on that 365 days of life project, I am taking pictures.  At least for now I am.  So this morning, I thought I'd take one of myself, just to see how that would go.

I knew that I wouldn't like it.  There are too many things about me that I don't like.  I find so many little problems and I pick them apart.  And besides that, I'm pretty sure that the rest of the world would agree with my opinion on those things, at least if they weren't sitting there with me they would.  The world doesn't particularly go 'in' for fat girls.  I know that.  No one needs to try to make me feel better by lying to me with phrases such as 'you're not fat', or 'but you have such a pretty face', or whatever other thing they'd like to tell me so that I wouldn't feel the pain of acknowledging the hard truth.

I am fat.  As such, I rarely show anyone a photo of me that includes my whole body, usually it's just my face, though that is getting to the point where I'm not so fond of it either.  I don't know why that is.  It's not as if they can't tell that I'm fat when I'm standing there with them.  Duh!!!

Well, anyway, today, I decided I would take a picture of myself, my whole self, and post it here for all the world to see.  I am not what I'd like to be physically, but that is not all of who I am either.  Perhaps by this time next year, the picture will look different.  On the other hand, it may not.  I'm not okay with what I look like, but I feel like I need to be honest about it.  Perhaps that will help me to take the next step.  If I'm honest with you, maybe I'll be honest with me too.

So here I am, in my fluffy glory.  I like my clothing, and the newly painted wall behind me in the standing picture.