Discovery

I haven't slept all night.  I'm not sure quite why, but I've been reading The Eden Diet and my guess is that it's triggering 'stuff'.

So all night, literally, until now when it's 4:30 AM here, I've been tossing and turning and trying with no success to sleep.

I've been processing, or at least trying to determine what the trigger point is.  I couldn't say what about the things I read brought this to the forefront but I did have a revelation just now.

I'm a little nervous to share it, but perhaps it will resonate with someone.  I just came upon the thought that I have a tendency of late to want to be left alone.  This isn't possible as I have children who are home 24/7 who need me.  Still, the feeling lingers.  And I find myself resenting it fairly often.  I believe I just hit upon the reason why this is bothering me.  I came to the realization that since I was a very small child, someone has always wanted to take something from me.  Someone has always wanted something of me.  Early on, it was something they had no right or proper excuse to take and that set the tone for me not wanting to give of myself.

I believe I learned then that when someone wants something from you it's a violation.  This isn't generally true, but for that little girl that I was, it is true.  And so I've lived reacting to that my whole life.  Now, when someone wants something from me and I'm not sure how to give it, I tense up. I become resentful and sullen and angry.  But I don't usually even recognize it at the time, other than that I want to be left alone.

An interesting twist is that I DO want to give of myself to help people, but often, when I get to the point of really helping, I'm tempted to pull back.  I don't always, but the temptation is almost always there.  It's a vulnerable place I believe.

I'm not sure what I will do with this information, but I'm sure it will be helpful in the near future as I travel this path I am now on.  I am sure that God gave me that revelation for one of His perfect purposes.