Me, unedited

Since I'm working on that 365 days of life project, I am taking pictures.  At least for now I am.  So this morning, I thought I'd take one of myself, just to see how that would go.

I knew that I wouldn't like it.  There are too many things about me that I don't like.  I find so many little problems and I pick them apart.  And besides that, I'm pretty sure that the rest of the world would agree with my opinion on those things, at least if they weren't sitting there with me they would.  The world doesn't particularly go 'in' for fat girls.  I know that.  No one needs to try to make me feel better by lying to me with phrases such as 'you're not fat', or 'but you have such a pretty face', or whatever other thing they'd like to tell me so that I wouldn't feel the pain of acknowledging the hard truth.

I am fat.  As such, I rarely show anyone a photo of me that includes my whole body, usually it's just my face, though that is getting to the point where I'm not so fond of it either.  I don't know why that is.  It's not as if they can't tell that I'm fat when I'm standing there with them.  Duh!!!

Well, anyway, today, I decided I would take a picture of myself, my whole self, and post it here for all the world to see.  I am not what I'd like to be physically, but that is not all of who I am either.  Perhaps by this time next year, the picture will look different.  On the other hand, it may not.  I'm not okay with what I look like, but I feel like I need to be honest about it.  Perhaps that will help me to take the next step.  If I'm honest with you, maybe I'll be honest with me too.

So here I am, in my fluffy glory.  I like my clothing, and the newly painted wall behind me in the standing picture.


  1. I can't see the first picture for some reason, but I think you look good in the second one.

    Have you ever watched the show How To Look Good Naked?

    The premise is this gay British guy takes everyday women who'd rather die than even look at themselves naked, let alone let anyone see them, and he helps them regain their self confidence. Most of the time he puts pictures of them in their "knickers" (underwear) up in public (just the body not the face) and asks total strangers, "Do you think she looks good naked?" Almost everyone says things like, "yea, I wish I had her boobs (women)" or "she's got really nice legs and a nice figure." He allows her to compare herself to other women in their knickers and realize that a lot of her concerns are perception on her part - we see ourselves as bigger than we are.

    He shows the women how to dress right for their figure (apples, pears, busty, short...), and usually they do something else that helps them with their self-confidence. Quick makeover on hair and makeup (doesn't even do the teeth fix, skin treatment... that most makeover shows do - that's another thing I like about him - anyone could do it), and by the end of the show they feel comfortable doing a runway walk in their knickers in front of 2000 people and pose for a (tastefully done) shot of them naked. I feel much better about my 200lb self after watching it, and even though I would not mind losing some weight, I no longer feel like I'm unattractive because I'm "fluffy."

    This is my long way of saying I do think you have a gorgeous face and obviously have great legs and a nice rack. (By the way, I'm happily married and not in the slightest bit gay, I just hate seeing people run themselves down!). I think your clothes could be more flattering (did you mean to emphasize your mid section with a yellow stripe?) and you should stand up straight and be proud of who you are.

    You are your harshest critic, and while you are right your outsides are not all of who you are (which includes a great photographer, writer and person), your outsides are not bad either!

    Mary in TX

  2. you know what's funny...what i've found in my blantantly honest journey so far...all those things I THOUGHT others would think when I admitted them...were WRONG.
    I told my family i would eat cake frosting by the tub full...they didn't cringe.
    I admitted to my friends and husband that I ate the equivalent of a 4 person order from BK, they didn't run away from me.

    I recently participated in an art workshop for compulsive eaters. I made a collage mask with words from magazines. It was SUPPOSED to be the person I show the world on the outside, and the person I REALLY am on the inside; but I flipped it...because the ONLY way I can learn that I AM NOT the person I persecute myself for being, is admitting to the world how I see myself...and truth be told, the way people SEE me IS the person I want to be, so I keep that part closest to my eyes...so I have to look at it ALL the time.

    Much love to you!

  3. Thanks ladies.

    I have NO intention of posing in my knickers, LOL, but thanks all the same. Maybe I should check out that show. And take some clothing tips from Mr. British Gay guy, he sounds like he's a smart cookie.

    And thanks Babs, for welcoming honesty. That's certainly where I am right now. I'm feeling the need to be carefully honest about where and who I am. It's tiresome trying to be someone else for 37 years so I'd just assume be who I am, the good, the bad and the ugly and the beautimous.

  4. I love that these women have replied to you with such love and understanding. I happen to be blessed by having you as a friend and you have enriched my life immensely. I understand your harsh judgment of yourself as I myself judge what I look like all too critically also. You are an amazing woman and supremely talented. Your beauty is so immense that maybe your body is just trying to adjust to contain it all! I love you and I love your honesty my friend. You are an inspiration!!

  5. Believe me, the feeling is mutual Mixtress. I love you too!


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