Things have been difficult in our family on a variety of levels and I can feel a bit of darkness trying to reach in and suffocate me. It's not a new experience. I've spent time in the darkness before.
I think maybe it's a feeling of rejection, though I thought I had recovered more completely than that. But recently, several important people in my life have rejected me in several different ways and I think maybe I am reeling from that.
I find myself more guarded than I once was. I don't really like that much. I don't like to be guarded. But I also don't like putting myself out there and getting stomped on.
So my creativity is feeling a little stunted. My motivation is feeling stunted. My thinking is feeling a little confused. These are the signs of depression. I know them when I see them, like I said, it's familiar territory. Though its been quite a few years since I fully succumed.
Overwhelmed is part of what I'm feeling. Failure is another part. Loss of control is another part. And that rejection thing. That is a big part.
My father has rejected me. I thought I was already ok with that. I thought I'd already accepted it. I thought I was walking by it. I am, but it hurts.
I'm still, at 40 years old, coming to terms with the fact that I will never have a father or mother who will love me unconditionally. Not because they are terrible awful people, but because they cannot. They don't know how. They are blinded by their own pain and they just. don't. know. how.
I can accept that, but it doesn't make the pain go away.
My father's way of facing things is to say terrible hurtful things to me, about me. My mother, poor sad woman, is essentially catatonic. Or at least as close to that as you can get without actually being catatonic.
And so, on this earth, my safe and good relationship comes from my husband, my children and my friends. Which really isn't a bad thing. Actually, it's a really good thing. It's more than many many people have and for that I am thankful.
But I'd like to take a moment to say that it is not enough. That is not the same as saying I am not incredibly grateful for it. But a family is meant to be a safe place, a place of refuge and unconditional love. Mine isn't and I miss that and I wish it wasn't the case. And so today, perhaps it is just a bit more of the grief that I am experiencing. And maybe that is ok and just a part of the process that I need to go through.
Now, this is not a pity party and I don't want a bunch of sympathy. Mainly, I just wanted to share my heart. To say that I feel and that what I feel isn't so good and to know that I can do that and it'll be ok. Maybe someone else has felt this same grief and wondered if it was ok? It is, it really is ok to be sad when things are not the way they were meant to be.
Thank you for allowig me to share.
(Lone Lupine this Spring. Not much in the way of wildflower beauty
to be seen this year, but what is there is still stunning in it's beauty.)
Hugs and prayers my friend. There's an adage you can pick your friends but not your family. Sometimes you have to let family go and allow yourself to be surrounded with your family of your heart.
ReplyDelete{{{hugs}}}
ReplyDeleteUrusla, I admire how well you can talk about how you feel, and do it so well. You are such a strong woman, and I totally admire you for that. You will get through it, you will find all of your happiness & mojo back, and we are all here for you! Hugs friend! xoxo
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to say thanks for sharing and keeping it real. I know that dark place you are talking about (though I am not nearly as brave as you about sharing my experience) and it is a great encouragement to me to know that you, as a woman of faith, still struggle from time to time, too. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteHe gives beauty from ashes, my friend.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for sharing. Those of us who have journeyed into that dark valley for whatever reason know in a way how you feel. I will be praying for you to find His sunshine again quickly and to bask in His love and warmth. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteWell, if I was there in your community, I'd be knocking on your door inviting you to walk and talk with me (maybe even taking our cameras), and then pray together as we went along. I've touched the shadow myself, and watched my husband be engulfed by it, and I know it is a place you don't want to go and stay.
ReplyDeleteSince I'm not in your community, I'll set aside some time in my day and say some prayers for you, because you my dear are a "Child of the One True King" and I hope you have heard that song and can cling to what it has to say - it reflects the truth of the Word in a way that captures the sense of having been there and knowing the One True King is reaching down to pull you out!