Things have been difficult in our family on a variety of levels and I can feel a bit of darkness trying to reach in and suffocate me. It's not a new experience. I've spent time in the darkness before.
I think maybe it's a feeling of rejection, though I thought I had recovered more completely than that. But recently, several important people in my life have rejected me in several different ways and I think maybe I am reeling from that.
I find myself more guarded than I once was. I don't really like that much. I don't like to be guarded. But I also don't like putting myself out there and getting stomped on.
So my creativity is feeling a little stunted. My motivation is feeling stunted. My thinking is feeling a little confused. These are the signs of depression. I know them when I see them, like I said, it's familiar territory. Though its been quite a few years since I fully succumed.
Overwhelmed is part of what I'm feeling. Failure is another part. Loss of control is another part. And that rejection thing. That is a big part.
My father has rejected me. I thought I was already ok with that. I thought I'd already accepted it. I thought I was walking by it. I am, but it hurts.
I'm still, at 40 years old, coming to terms with the fact that I will never have a father or mother who will love me unconditionally. Not because they are terrible awful people, but because they cannot. They don't know how. They are blinded by their own pain and they just. don't. know. how.
I can accept that, but it doesn't make the pain go away.
My father's way of facing things is to say terrible hurtful things to me, about me. My mother, poor sad woman, is essentially catatonic. Or at least as close to that as you can get without actually being catatonic.
And so, on this earth, my safe and good relationship comes from my husband, my children and my friends. Which really isn't a bad thing. Actually, it's a really good thing. It's more than many many people have and for that I am thankful.
But I'd like to take a moment to say that it is not enough. That is not the same as saying I am not incredibly grateful for it. But a family is meant to be a safe place, a place of refuge and unconditional love. Mine isn't and I miss that and I wish it wasn't the case. And so today, perhaps it is just a bit more of the grief that I am experiencing. And maybe that is ok and just a part of the process that I need to go through.
Now, this is not a pity party and I don't want a bunch of sympathy. Mainly, I just wanted to share my heart. To say that I feel and that what I feel isn't so good and to know that I can do that and it'll be ok. Maybe someone else has felt this same grief and wondered if it was ok? It is, it really is ok to be sad when things are not the way they were meant to be.
Thank you for allowig me to share.
(Lone Lupine this Spring. Not much in the way of wildflower beauty
to be seen this year, but what is there is still stunning in it's beauty.)