Hello Wednesday - Random thoughts

I'm having a day.

No, I'm having a week.

On third thought, I'm having a month.

Yes, it's a month.  It's been a couple of weeks of feeling somewhat uninspired.

I have no reason for this.  I've just had one of those periods where I'm feeling a bit aimless.  Anyone else???

This is making me a bit nervous as the Christmas Season is coming fast and there is lots to do and I've been entirely unproductive.  I do have 2 gift ideas and one gift purchased, but that is literally the extent of my preparations.

I have a new computer sitting in the next room waiting for me to get this one ready to have all it's 'schtuff' transferred but somehow I have done absolutely nothing to move in that direction.  Zero.  Zilch.  NADA!

I need someone to kick my behind into geer post haste!

The image above is of my daughter Madison.  I came across it today when I was looking through some folders for something inspiring.  I'll admit that it wasn't inspiring.  It was an image she took of herself.  She took several at that time and they all display the same look.

I think it may be somewhat related to how I've been feeling.  I'm starting to run out of happy photos to scrap about.  The number of photos in my folders that display a child who looks that unhappy far outnumber the smiling ones.

That makes me sad.  

I do know that there is hope and that theoretically some progress is being made, but when I look at my families memories and see so much of what I see above it makes me sad.  It makes me sad for the years my children have lost to a stubborn refusal to even consider hope.

It's true, there are happy photos interspersed between the misery, but having to sift through the misery to find the happy sometimes seems to steal the joy.

What I'd like to feel is what I feel when I look at this photo of a dandelion I took a month ago.  I want to feel that hope of beauty and light and something transparent through which the light can shine.  I'm praying for that feeling to return.  I am not certain when it will.  

I wonder whether I'll ever be able to look at the photos of Maddie and Hunter as young people and not feel the gut wrenching nausea that I feel today and most of the time when I look at them.  I sometimes wish I didn't see the pain every single time.  I sometimes wish I were blind to the reality and could pretend for a while they were happy and carefree.

I don't know if this is why I have felt ick lately or if it's just a season of blah.  It happens right.

At any rate, I hope you'll not mind that I've indulged myself and shared a little bit of how I felt today.  I think sometimes in the scrap world it's easy to get lost in believing that everything is pink frosted cupcakes and chubby perfect babies and beautifully decorated homes.  Today, I'm reminded that it is not and that sometimes it's a good idea to say so.

Here's to a brighter tomorrow!