Hello Friday -- The Story Begins in Earnest

Thanks for your kind responses ladies.  I will begin my story.  Mind you, it's a share, not a pity party.  It's a tough story, but I'm not looking for pity.  Yes, kind words are welcome, but don't feel sorry for me.  Yes, you can hurt with me over the hurts, but I am not a victim.

My journey started when I was sixteen.  Or was it when I was born?  Well, the part of it that I was aware of and was purposeful  about began at the wise old age of sixteen.  It wasn't until then that I was able to realize that all the 'stuff' that had happened earlier on needed to be addressed.  Confronted might be a better term.

My high school offered a once a week group session for survivors of sexual abuse.   I can't rightly recall when I first realized that this was the correct term for what had happened to me.  But when the group was offered, I did know immediately that I should join it.

I remember wondering who else would be there and how they would feel about my involvement.  I was a very insecure young woman back then.  No wonder given my early life, but somehow that fact always took me by surprise.  I knew that I shouldn't be.  I knew that deep inside that I was a vital person with something to say.  Still, I was afraid.

In hind sight, I'm not sure we accomplished very much.  But it did open the door to conversation and helped me to realize that I was certainly not alone in my 'affliction'.  In 1988, people were beginning to talk about such things.  Not so much the older generations, but the flower children seemed to have started a movement that urged us to talk about our experiences.  I'm grateful for that now I can tell you.

Two of my teachers joined us and led the group.  It was during afternoon class, Math as I recall, which was another good reason to go.  I thought it strange that they'd let us out of class for it but I wasn't asking questions.  Evidently, they knew it would be important for us.  We talked in that group in very general terms about our experiences as we remembered them.

At that time, I had no idea that a person could repress memories nor did I have any inclination that I might have done such a thing.  I also didn't understand a thing about the formation of bonds with other human beings.  For me, it was a tiny scrap of a beginning and if I had no idea how deeply those wounds we were discussing really were.

We didn't last long as a group. Again, I couldn't tell you why, but I think we met 5 or 6 times before that little respite from Math class ended.  But I think it was enough.  It was enough to give me a beginning.

Since then, I've revisited the topic times beyond counting.  I've realized that sexual abuse has had an absolutely profound effect on my past, my present and will have one on my future.  It doesn't define who I am by a long shot, but I cannot be defined without acknowledging it's permeating imprint.

The journey I am on is about eradicating  the lies I've believed as a result.  Next time, I'll share from the true beginning.

And on a lighter note, I'll share a  layout I did recently for The Lily Pad.  If you haven't ever visited, please waste no time.  The Lily Pad is a fantastic little digital shop who invited me to play with their goodies recently.  The thing I love most is that you can use the Print and Cut feature on your Silhouette to get all kinds of wonderful designs from the many talented designers over there.



I added a couple of the Moment's Die Cut labels to the mix to incorporate the date.   In fact, if you look at the bottom of the photo, there's another label with the year under the glassine envelope.



I've decided that I officially love sequins.  Yes I do.





Here is a list of the products I used for this project:

Not So Plain Jane Papers by Micheline Martin
Anywhere Papers (May 2012 BYOC)
Honey Honey Elements
Honey Honey Papers
a wonderful day (mixed media) by sahlin studio
typeset alphas no. 1
Who What Where Cards

Along with some Studio Calico Paper, some Moment's Collection Die Cuts, some washi tape and a few random stamps, brads and sequins.

Have a wonderful weekend friends!

Hello Thursday -- A Story Begins

Hello friends. I've had a lot on my mind lately and today I'd like to share a little bit of it. I hope I won't offend you by sharing a bit of the real me. I know that for some, you come to blogs to be inspired and you're not to sure you care to read about the unpleasant 'life' stuff. If that is you, just skip on down to the photos.

On the other hand, if you are interested, I'll share a bit of me today.

I'm a strong believer that life is about relationships. Experience tells me that connecting with other human beings is essential to our well being.

Of course, all of us have connections but some of those connections are strong and good and true and real and some are just plain unsafe.

My own story is riddled with unsafe connections. I've been debating for a while about sharing some more of those stories with my readers.

It can be difficult to know how much of one's story to share and how much really should be kept private. I ask myself, what could bring some freedom and hope into my reading friends lives. I hope I've come up with the right answer to that question.

I want to share because I'm guessing that my story is not so very unique and that there are lots of other people out there who've walked an eerily familiar path.

And yet........you feel alone on that road. With that in mind, I am cautiously sharing with the hope that you'll know you are NOT ALONE. Never alone.

This is not about scrapbooking or paper crafting, though those things do come into play. This is about learning how to navigate the unsafe connections and finding those people in our world who will love us just for being us, who will be safe for us. This is about joining hands with the gal next to you and knowing that she isn't there to judge you. This is about trusting the people who've invested in us freely to keep loving us even when they can see the ugly parts.

Are you interested? If you are, please leave me a little note that says so.

I'm on a journey and it is in my nature to take some others along with me. But I don't want you to feel like you have to go if you really don't want to. I'll leave it there for today. Consider it an invitation.

If you think this is a bad idea, then let me know that too, just do please be gentle. Maybe a different blog is the place for that. That would be okay too.

So here is the layout I'm sharing today. It's a little piece of my heart that you'll see in this one. This is a tribute to my sweet kitty cat, Maddie, who died on May 6th. She was 11 years old and I believe I loved her more than I've ever loved a pet before.

I wanted to create a layout that would put down some of the things that made her unique. The things that made us laugh or even made us mad. I wanted the focus on the photo, so I made it large. I cut down one of the Heidi Swapp folders and used it as a mat.



To get the embossed name, I used the new Smash Label maker and ran some photo paper through it. You need a pretty thick paper for it to work. It took some trial and error but I got it to work.

You may also notice the black and white diagonal, that was packaging from the photos. Use it ALL!



I embossed the circular polka dot stamp with Zing so it would show up on the dark cardstock.



You can see the dotted scallop edge above, that is the washi tape that was in this months Studio Calico kits, applied to cardstock and then cut out with a border punch.



Here's hoping your Thursday is beautiful! I'm getting a hair cut, wish me luck!

Remember

And the winner is...........drumroll please!

Kimber-Leigh,  she said


"I'm catching up on your washi posts (as i've been on vacation) but i love the process you showed on the "window" page with washi...love the idea of mixing my tapes as a background rather than only using pp. this was a great idea ursula...keep up the washi inspiration!"


There's some Washi tape coming your way Kimber-Leigh. Thanks for being a part of my blog! Please send me your address via email and I'll get your package out right away!

I wanted to thank all of you for your support and comments!  I can't wait to do another giveaway!  This was such fun! We laughed, we cried, it moved me Bob. (you totally will not get that unless you are a die hard Veggie Tales fan.)

I've collected a LOT of scrappy supplies over the years, many of which I've been 'saving' for just the right project.

However, as those of you who've done the same thing know, the right project never seems to come around.  Not only that but those darned manufacturers keep coming up with new amazing product for me to hoard.

Well, recently, I've decided I will hoard no more.  This project is a good example of that.  This Jenni Bowlin Studios diecut paper has been sitting in my paper collection for......well I honestly don't know how long.  But's its been a number of years I'm pretty certain.

See that nifty white JBS button with the lovely little gem in the center?  Same story.

How about that lovely vintage ledger paper that is peeking from under the stack? You guess it....hoarded.

I'm proud of myself for getting these treasured items on the page.

Here is my layout, the product of a white space and journaling challenge over at JBS.



Using some more of my eyelet snap stash!





If you care to read the journaling I've pasted it below.

I have very few photos from my childhood.   The reasons for that are disturbing.  Every time I look at a photo from my childhood all those memories that are painful come up  They sort of call to me in a way.

I’ve learned that life’s experiences have a profound influence on who we become. 


That may sound like a ‘duh’ statement but its taken me until now to really come to understand this concept.  This is one of my photos.  From the period of birth through age 17 I have about 25 photos total, including some school pictures which my dad had collected.  


When I was a child, my mother took tons of photos of us kids but when my father left us my mother stopped all normal functioning. When I was twelve, I went outside one day to see my mother burning all of

our precious family photos.   

I didn’t say a word to her. In fact, I’ve never spoken to her about it.  But I’ve certainly wondered what would cause her to do that.  It was as if she wanted to erase our history.  It still makes me sad 27 years later.

Here is to putting down the hard stuff.  It certainly is a huge part of what makes us who we are and is worthy of being noted down.  I don't like to dwell on it but it remains an important part of my story.

Blessings for a great day to all!

Taking Care

So how was your weekend?  I have to admit to having sort of a blah weekend this time around.  I"m not sure I can explain why or how, I just know that my mood was a little low.  Do you ever have those kinds of days?    There have been times in my life when I've struggled with pretty serious depression and when I have days like I did this weekend, I perk up and try to take care to pay attention to my feelings.  I know that can lead me down a path I don't want to visit again so I do what I need to to heal and rest and feel alive again.

Today is better!

This layout was a bit of a challenge for me. Mainly because I did not plan it at all and just started sticking things down willy-nilly.  It turned out well in the end but there were some periods when I was really sweating it I have to admit.  I'm not a big planner in general.  That is to say, I don't draw out my layouts as a sketch beforehand very often.  However, I usually don't stick things down until I'm certain where I am going to go with it either.

Supplies....aren't we blessed?

It's another page in my WITL project.  This is from July 26th.  As I work on this project, I'm listening to the audio version of the book 'The Help' by Kathryn Stockett.  I find it makes me very much more introspective than I normally would be.  It's yet another reminder of how perspectives change so quickly once you begin to see things from a different point of view.

I am somewhat stunned at the variety of things I never even considered in regards to how a black woman might look at things versus a white woman.  I tend to think I'm pretty progressive, but I realize that is really just a fair bit of ignorance.  I begin to see a bit more clearly that I will never be able to understand what it is like being a minority.

As I create my LO, I am thinking about how blessed I am. How very easy my life is.  How my WITL project is a record of how much we have.  It's certainly not the first time I've thought of it, but reading books like The Help really begin to put some things in perspective.

It's worth reading.  I hope you'll pick it up.

Here's the LO

1 Fine Everyday

I thought I'd update with a Layout today.  I've been trying to be intentional about noticing the little things that are ordinary but are actually extraordinary.  Yesterday, I looked out the kitchen window and saw these clouds and I thought, 'those are simply beautiful'. So I grabbed my camera and took a few quick shots.  It didn't take me more than a few minutes at most, but I captured something and then I immediately went and scrapped it. I'm finding there is a certain response to an image right after I've taken it that gets lost in time.  So, doing this quickly made all the difference!

Enjoy!

Life by the Spirit

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.  Galatians 5:22-23

I have to preface this by saying that I have not got any kind of corner on the market of how to actually live this way.  That said, I know that because God's Word says to do it, it is possible.  However, it's not possible except by the power of the Spirit working in and through me. 

Has anyone else heard that Michael W. Smith song from a few years back called 'Never Been Unloved'?  The lyrics go like this:

I have been unfaithful


I have been unworthy

I have been unrighteous

And I have been unmerciful

I have been unreachable

I have been unteachable

I have been unwilling

And I have been undesirable

And sometimes I have unwise

I've been undone by what I'm unsure of

But because of You

And all that You went through

I know that I have never been unloved

I have been unbroken

I have been unmended

I have been uneasy

And I've been unapproachable

I've been unemotional

I've been unexceptional

I've been undecided

And I have been unqualified

Unaware

I have been unfair

I've been unfit for blessings from above

But even I can see

The sacrifice You made for me

To show that I have never been unloved

It's because of You

And all that You went through

I know that I have never been unloved
 
These lyrics have always spoken to me.  Of course from the perspective of having always been loved, but even more from the place of realizing how often I miss the mark. Not because I feel condemned but because God needs me to recognize my sin or else I will not seek His healing and help for it. 
 
As I look at the passage on the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians, I realize how far I have to go.  I find that I don't have much trouble demonstrating those qualities toward most people, but there are some in my life to whom I scarcely demonstrate any of them.  God forgive me for such hideous sin.  Father, fill me so much with your Spirit so that I may pour out Your love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control toward those that I generally struggle to care for.  I don't know how to do it myself.  I can only do it through You're intervention.  Help!

Updating

Sorry, don't know where I've been recently.  Been a busy week I guess.

Not a whole ton to report, but 5 more lbs down now so I'm pleased with my progress.  I'm pretty sure it's all boobs, but that's pretty typical, eh. LOL

Just wanted to stop in and say thanks to all of you who've been dropping by and reading the nonsense that I post.  It's nice to know someone's interested isn't it.  I think that is one of the reasons blogging is so popular.  It's an opportunity to be heard and responded to.  We're pretty blessed to have that chance I think.

God is good.  He's working on my heart in particular with the area of self-lessness.  Not my strong suit.  I'm trying to learn, but man, I'm pretty headstrong!

Let me know what He's doing in your life if you have a minute.  I find God often speaks through my friends of what He wants to do in me. 

Blessings all!

The beginning of my Weight Loss Journal

Hi Friends,

The first thing I want to say today is how excited I am about The Eden Diet once again.  I'm nearly finished with the book and what do you think I found toward the end?  An endorsement of Theophostic Prayer.  You may not have heard me mention Theophostic before, but I am a trained Theophostic prayer facilitator and I strongly believe in the ministry this technique provides to hurting people.

I have long known that overeating is an emotional problem more than anything else, at least it is for me.  So to have seen that someone else is willing to recommend that Theophostic would have benefit was just a confirmation of what I already believed. Yay

I did have lots of opportunity and ability to resist tempting food yesterday!  I overcame by His Grace.

I wanted to share what I'm working on as an artistic outlet for some of what I'm dealing with on the Weight Loss front. 

As you may know, I'm sort of an artsy kinda girl.  So, I've decide to create a journal on paper that I can work on as I progress along the path to permanent weight loss and healthy living. 

I think it is important to document where you are and where you've been.  I think it is good for me and even for my family to know what brought me to the place I am and what is pulling me out.  So, a journal was in order. But no ordinary journal this time.  Nope, this time it's going to be pretty.  So without further ado, here it is.

Of course, these bits aren't yet bound, but you can see the beginning of my project and how it will take shape. 

Pantry Revelations

So I've been trying to organize my house, little by little.  It's a big house and I've filled it with a LOT of stuff so it is a long process.

This evening, I've been working on my pantry.  I have a truly wonderful pantry, built for me by my truly amazing husband.  It's quite large, I'm guessing it's 8 feet wide and maybe 2 feet deep with a million shelves in it of varying heights.  He and I planned it together with a mind to use all the space as efficiently as possible.

Right now, I'm emptying it shelf by shelf and putting the contents of each shelf on my kitchen counters. Then, I am staring blankly at it for a bit, wondering what in blue blazes I am going to do with all of this stuff.  I am finding that I have a lot of food that I will likely never use. 

I believe it may be safe to say that I am something of a hoarder.  I buy a special something, like the Lemon Curd I found (which I have been shifting around on the shelves for who knows how long, waiting for just the right occasion to serve it) then I never use it.  I am afraid if I use it I'll never be able to get it again so I hoard it. 

That is just plain silly.  I'm not sure what the wrong thinking is that leads to such an action but I believe I ought to try and get to the bottom of it so that I can STOP IT! (anyone for Bob Newhart?)

For now, I'm just throwing a lot of stuff away outright.  I can see why it's a better plan to make a list, shop for only the items on the list and leave the rest behind.  I think perhaps we'll give that method a go here in the very near future.  For now, I don't believe I need to shop for a  month except for perishables.

I suppose all of this connects back to my eating and weight loss issues.  I'm not sure where I learned to shop or store food but I need to relearn.  If anyone has tips, feel free to share!

Discovery

I haven't slept all night.  I'm not sure quite why, but I've been reading The Eden Diet and my guess is that it's triggering 'stuff'.

So all night, literally, until now when it's 4:30 AM here, I've been tossing and turning and trying with no success to sleep.

I've been processing, or at least trying to determine what the trigger point is.  I couldn't say what about the things I read brought this to the forefront but I did have a revelation just now.

I'm a little nervous to share it, but perhaps it will resonate with someone.  I just came upon the thought that I have a tendency of late to want to be left alone.  This isn't possible as I have children who are home 24/7 who need me.  Still, the feeling lingers.  And I find myself resenting it fairly often.  I believe I just hit upon the reason why this is bothering me.  I came to the realization that since I was a very small child, someone has always wanted to take something from me.  Someone has always wanted something of me.  Early on, it was something they had no right or proper excuse to take and that set the tone for me not wanting to give of myself.

I believe I learned then that when someone wants something from you it's a violation.  This isn't generally true, but for that little girl that I was, it is true.  And so I've lived reacting to that my whole life.  Now, when someone wants something from me and I'm not sure how to give it, I tense up. I become resentful and sullen and angry.  But I don't usually even recognize it at the time, other than that I want to be left alone.

An interesting twist is that I DO want to give of myself to help people, but often, when I get to the point of really helping, I'm tempted to pull back.  I don't always, but the temptation is almost always there.  It's a vulnerable place I believe.

I'm not sure what I will do with this information, but I'm sure it will be helpful in the near future as I travel this path I am now on.  I am sure that God gave me that revelation for one of His perfect purposes.

Hard to Comprehend it all

Today, I'm feeling introspective.  LOL, that's not soooo very different from a lot of other days. Still, at this moment it feels especially strong.

I was reading the O magazine, which I happened to pick up a copy of LAST Spring.  (Yes, I'm behind on my reading.)  Anyway, as I read through some of the articles, I was struck once again by the difficulties of life.

I know that for myself, I am sometimes overwhelmed by what feels like unmanageable parts of life which I must face.  There are times when I feel helpless and hopeless, other times when I feel full of joy and profound hope for the future and everything in between.

I thought about the desire to write that many authors have.  I wondered how they stick to one story for a period that sometimes extends from many months on into years. However, I wonder if the best novels come from such a long period of time as an author lives out his/her story while getting it down on paper.

Then, I considered whether a short story might not be a good thing to invest time in.  It might amount to some time reflect and understand particular situations.  On the other hand, would it be any good.  There is pressure that one feels to produce only something that is considered valuable.

In the end, I am struck by the need to let all of those expectations go and do what one is inspired to do at the time, providing that it is not wrong to do it. 

I'm rambling, I know, but my stream of consciousness dictates that I needn't worry what a reader might think after reading this bit of conjecture.  I simply put it down and perhaps something better will grow out of it.

Ultimately, I am struck by the amount of pain that exists in the world and from which most people come.  Pain seems to be the one characteristic that defines every single one of us. I would be highly suspicious of someone who denied the experience of deep emotional pain.  And then I would feel pity for them because I know that it is such emotion that gives us perspective and vision for something better.

OK, done rambling.  Feel free to ramble yourself a bit, either on your own blog or in the comments. I think you might find it rather satisfying.

A Few Goals

I've been cleaning and purging and rearranging and stuff.  It's a BIG job.

B.I.G.

As a result, I'm finding myself telling me a lot of things about myself that I think I should be doing. (did that make sense???)

So I thought perhaps a list of goals would be a good idea.  If I put it on my blog, I shouldn't lose it right?

1. learn to be much more selective when choosing books to bring into my home (i.e. don't bring in books that will NEVER be read)
     a. I think this might be best accomplished by not buying a book unless I have a specific plan to read it and know that I will follow through.  In other words, if I think it might be cool to do a thing but don't have a specific plan to follow through, don't buy it.  I can always put it in my wishlist at Amazon and pick it up later if I want to.

2. Stop buying magazines that I will not have the time to read.  Resolve to throw magazines away when I'm done reading them.  Feel free to tear out images or articles from those mags that inspire me and put them in my inspiration binder.  Feel free to throw away what no longer inspires me, regardless of who the author it. (I sometimes save something simply because I tend to like the author, but everyone has a stale moment.)

3.  Find a place for everything and put it there after I'm done with it.  When I buy a new thing, plan where I will put it BEFORE I plunk down the cash for it.

4. Do not buy any more makeup, ever! (Except those things like mascara and eyeliner that get used up)  The likelyhood of my ever using up my collection of makeup is miniscule.  I should never need any more.

5.  Purge every room in my house, including closets, pantry, laundry room, etc.

6. Get caught up on bills, reciepts, book-keeping.  Be a blessing to my husband by doing this. File things when I am done with them.  Stop procrastinating.

7.  Get into shape.

8.  Find time to do special projects with my kids.

9.  Keep up with memory keeping.

10.  Keep my own house clean without hiring someone else to do it for me.

11.  Grow a garden.

That is a long list, I know.  I'm not sure if I think it's all possible looking back on it.  I can also tell you that there are many more things that I'd like to add to it.  I was going to stop at 10 but I had to include the garden, it's already partly there.

Maybe getting it all down will help me to make it happen.

It's Millie's Birthday

And she's gone.  She's 18 and she's done with us.  She got what she came for and now she's burning the bridges.

My reaction wants to be to say "Fine, and don't come back."  But I won't do that.  It hurts the way she left.  But I'm trying to put myself in her shoes and remember what it was like when I was that age.  I certainly didn't want anyone telling me that I had anything to learn.  And rules??? Forget it.

The house is quiet.  Kaitlin is happy to have her room.  Maddie is sad to lose the person she's been latched onto for the past few months.  Hunter is......well, Hunter.  I cried.  I think Jeremy cried.  I suppose Millie is celebrating.

I have no expectation of hearing from her again anytime soon.  I am praying.  I hope I will be faithful enough to continue with that.

It's foster parenting.  You may never know what the end will be but you still put your best foot forward, no matter how battered and scuffed it is.

These are a couple of her Senior Portraits that I took a couple of weeks ago.  I know she enjoyed that.  I did too.  She's beautiful.

Moving Ahead

Today is kind of a chill day and I'm excited about that.  It seems like most of the time there is something going on and I have to BE somewhere.  Sometimes I just wanna be here at home.  I don't want to socialize.  I don't want to engage. I just want to exist in my own space without anyone wanting anything from me or expecting anything of me.

That's pretty unrealistic, but it's still what I'd like to see happen at least some of the time.  I get a little cooky when there is always something I must do.

On the other hand, that's when growth happens isn't it.  It only seems to happen when you're being pushed well beyond your comfort zone and you begin to feel just a bit out of control and suddenly, you have no choice but to turn to God and trust Him.  That can be hard, but it does result in growth, which is a good thing.

Well, I'm rambling here so I'll stop, but I hope that you can have a chance today to take a deep breath and then get ready to move ahead.

Here's a picture that makes me happy.

Me, unedited

Since I'm working on that 365 days of life project, I am taking pictures.  At least for now I am.  So this morning, I thought I'd take one of myself, just to see how that would go.

I knew that I wouldn't like it.  There are too many things about me that I don't like.  I find so many little problems and I pick them apart.  And besides that, I'm pretty sure that the rest of the world would agree with my opinion on those things, at least if they weren't sitting there with me they would.  The world doesn't particularly go 'in' for fat girls.  I know that.  No one needs to try to make me feel better by lying to me with phrases such as 'you're not fat', or 'but you have such a pretty face', or whatever other thing they'd like to tell me so that I wouldn't feel the pain of acknowledging the hard truth.

I am fat.  As such, I rarely show anyone a photo of me that includes my whole body, usually it's just my face, though that is getting to the point where I'm not so fond of it either.  I don't know why that is.  It's not as if they can't tell that I'm fat when I'm standing there with them.  Duh!!!

Well, anyway, today, I decided I would take a picture of myself, my whole self, and post it here for all the world to see.  I am not what I'd like to be physically, but that is not all of who I am either.  Perhaps by this time next year, the picture will look different.  On the other hand, it may not.  I'm not okay with what I look like, but I feel like I need to be honest about it.  Perhaps that will help me to take the next step.  If I'm honest with you, maybe I'll be honest with me too.

So here I am, in my fluffy glory.  I like my clothing, and the newly painted wall behind me in the standing picture.

Living each day

I just got done reading another RAD post. I've had a bit of a renewal in the department of looking head on at what I'm dealing with in my kiddos. I think I've grown numb in some respects. Tired, at least. But when I read what Christine has to say, I can't ignore it.

I am the woman in the title sometimes. I know, the language is not clean, but the description is accurate. That's not the woman I want to be, or the mom I want to be, or the wife I want to be. I find myself running out of ways to cope. And then I'm reminded that not only do I need to cope, I need to be proactive and help my kids heal. I'm reminded that counseling just isn't an option for our family.

I'm reminded that while I agree with a lot of the opinions on RAD and how to treat it, I don't agree with them all and that leaves me trying to figure it out on my own. Well, not exactly on my own, with God's guidence of course. Still, it is easy to doubt.

This morning, my 15 year old son didn't know what time school starts. He goes there EVERY SINGLE DAY!!! But he doesn't know when school starts, or when classes start, or when they end. At least he won't admit it.

While I told him that he wouldn't be able to call his girlfriend until his homework is done, he acts surprised when the phone rings and he asks for time to talk with her and I say "Is your homework done?" The face below is the face I get most often when I pull out the camera. He's bent on being 'Emo' and smiling would destroy his image, poor guy.

Sometimes, I just don't know what to do. I write this and I think most folks reading it would say, 'oh, that's just kids' but I know better. I live with him and I know it's not normal to be the way he is. He may look normal and do some things that look normal, but the stuff on the inside is not. The inability to trust anyone is not normal and healthy. The constant search for a way of escape in a new environment is not typical and healthy.

So today, I don't feel so strong.  Hopefully, tomorrow I will get stronger and do better and do the mothering and theraputic parenting that I need to do.

God's stuff

I'm a worshipper, both in daily life and also in a more ordered environment, my church's worship team. When I was in Mexico, I saw how they do big things with just a little. 2 fish and some barley loaves. I was certainly struck by the way we, in America, always feel that we need something better and bigger. The trouble is, no matter how good what we have is, there is always something bigger and better to which we aspire.

Christ told us not to worry so much about what we will eat or wear because he will provide what we need. I think that applies to what we play on or play in, or sound like too. He will use and multiply what we offer to His glory alone! I had to wonder how much of my energy is spent trying to gain glory for myself and how much I really spend bringing glory to Him alone. It's always a temptation to want to shine without the right motivations.

When we were in Mexico, for the most part ,I could not sing the lyrics, but I was still able to make a joyful noise to the Lord. I was astounded at the power found in that small Mexican church when the Spirit clearly descended among the worshippers. Half of the people in attendance at that particular service didn't speak the language, but the Lord spoke to our hearts of His presence all the same. It was humbling and glorious.

The worship team did not follow a formula of verse progression, chorus, bridge, but allowed the Spirit to lead how long they would sing each song. The worship alone lasted at least an hour, with an additional 20 minutes to a half hour at the end. The people did not complain when the service went for 3 hours. People stood up in every service to offer testimony of what God was doing in their lives. I was struck by the way that we, in our country, will not tolerate too much 'church' at a time. Before the service, I had found myself with negative feelings toward the upcoming service, selfishly thinking I'd be bored with the three hours of church in a language I didn't understand. I prayed, asking God to help me have a right attitude and He went far beyond what I hoped or expected. The three hours were over before I knew it and I was incredibly blessed.

God really spoke to me about being content with where I am, who I'm with, what we're doing and what I have. I know that there are places to stand up for what is right, that is not what I'm talking about. I'm referring to being content when I really have no valid reason for complaint other than selfish motivation. I am praying that God will provide opportunity for more people in our body to experience the blessings in Mexico that we were afforded.

I suppose the question I am moved to ask is this. Is what we have in our homes and churches hindering our ability to effectively do God's work? Is that really what is happening or are we simply dissatisfied because we know that there is something better available out there and so we feel that we 'need' it? Are we going to spend money this year on something that will truly connect our community to Christ, or is there a better way we can steward our resources. (I know I saw needs in Mexico that blow ours out of the water) I had to come away from Mexico evaluating everything about the way I use money and the way my home church uses money and resources. I want to glorify God in every way and I believe that is the desire of my local body as well. It may be that God is saying to spend more $$ on equipment or whatever, but after having been down there and seeing the need, I want to be very sure that is what He's saying.

I have to reevaluate so many things that I want now!!! I realized that what I saw in Mexico was nothing compared to the needs in places like Haiti or Kenya, so how can I so quickly spend the blessings God has provided on me?

Just Call me Peter

I feel a bit like Peter, the apostle today. Last night, I communed with God on a new level. The end result was the writing of a narration of the Prodigal Son which came to me seemingly by inspiration from above. I was pleased with it, but knew that it was God's handiwork and not mine. I was planning to share it with you. But there is more. Here, read my little story and then listen to .......the rest of the story.

The Return

I ran toward Him with a ferocious energy! There seemed an urgency to meet Him, to fall at His feet.

I had come, through my own stupidity, vanity, lust, ego, whatever else you’d like to label it, to finally realize how very small I was. How very greatly I had abused His amazing generosity.

He had given me everything and I had spent it, all of it, on myself. How foolish I was. How ignorant of the truth.

And now, I ran. He ran too, arms open, and the widest, silliest grin painted His face with fragrant, terrifyingly beautiful joy.

I sobbed as I stumbled toward Him. I could nearly taste the love flowing from His eyes. Thinking back, I wonder how I could have seen so plainly the message etched on His face. I’ll never understand.

You see, there was still quite a distance between us. I had a number of gullies to cross, mud bogs to fall headlong into, even rivers to ford. But somehow, miraculously I suppose, I saw Him. Clearly. Always, coming towards me, always grinning unashamedly. Always with His arms held wide.

When finally, I reached Him, I was an insane mess. My clothing was shredded and I may well have been naked. My hair was tangled and matted, clotted with dried blood from the times I’d hit my head against a rock while falling into a particularly deep pit. My skin was covered in oozing sores, scabs and bruises. I was diseased, starved. My feet bled and cracked because of the terrible roads I’d been traveling.

I fell in a heap at His feet. I begged for some, really any, small mercy. I heaved out my request for the position of servant.

Do you know what He did? He gently pulled me to my feet and embraced me. He placed His fine clothing next to my diseased, stinking body. Warmth flooded through my entire being. It was like nothing I’d ever known. I literally felt the disease drain away. I happened to glance at my arm, which clung tightly around His neck and noticed that my cracked and seeping skin was restored. It was fully restored! It was like a newborn baby’s, without even a blemish.

My eyes darted to His in amazement. It was then that I understood.

Forgiveness flowed from His eyes like a raging river. I was covered in the pure water of His deep love for me.

I was scarcely aware of myself when He began dressing me in His finest robe. He placed new shoes of the finest design on my fully restored feet. He even commanded His servants to kill the best-fatted calf and prepare a feast. He actually threw a party in honor of my return. It was He who deserved a party, not I. But then, if I gather anything at all from the look on His face, He got exactly what He’d wanted all along.

We danced long into the night. I had thought I’d need to tell Him of all my misdeeds. He said he already knew and that now He wanted us to begin the next chapter of my life together with Him. He said He didn’t need to read the precious chapters again. He’d already forgotten them, something about the sea of forgetfulness.

I am so grateful now. I love to tell people my story. How He bought me and He taught me of His redeeming love. I do hope one day that you’ll get to meet Him in the fields of forgiveness as I did.

I heard later, that my brother, who’d always stuck by Him obediently, was angry. I did notice that he wasn’t at the party. But then, I suppose I can see how he would have felt that way. I hope that one day, somehow, he gets the chance to run to Him like I did and be made alive. He’s not really alive as he is now. But I know that He is waiting for him too, just like He waited for me. You need to know that He’ll wait for you too.

Okay, so that was my story. I liked it alot. But then, just a few hours later, I spoke to a friend in a way that really hurt her. Worse, I had no idea that I'd said anything wrong.

Hence, I feel like Peter who first proclaimed that Jesus was the Son of Man, for which Peter was praised. But the next thing we know, Jesus is rebuking Peter for allowing Satan to speak through him.

How I wish I could avoid my own stupidity. I am assuming that I needed some humbling today. Wow, this pie doesn't taste so good.

The Enemy

Did you know that food is the enemy? I bet you did. The goofy thing is that I often treat it like it's my long, lost best friend. I try to get as much of it as I can on a given eating occasion because I might not get to see it for a while. (Yeah, right.)



A few years ago, I went through a program called 'The Weigh Down Workshop". It was a really good program that discussed how we need to learn to eat according to hunger and fullness in our stomach and not the hunger of our heads. (have you noticed how your brain never really seems to think you are full?)



I think I'm due for another stint with this program. Of course, I've tried since then to get back into the swing of it, but I haven't really put my whole heart into it. It's hard to listen to my stomach when my head is trying to convince me otherwise.



I've often wished that I could quit eating altogether, you know, like I would if I was trying to get off drugs, or alchohol. But with food, you just can't do that. I have to learn moderation! Ugh!!!



Well, here I am, this is the weight I am now. Maybe if you think of me, you'll pray for strength for me that I can get back to where I've been with my eating habits. (We won't mention the other appetites I could use moderation in, like shopping for example.)